…porn teaches the brain to focus on multiple images, body types, partners and scenarios. The focus on one’s spouse is lost, and repeated use of pornography takes precedence. A habit or an addiction to porn is an obvious killer to marital and sexual oneness, because true focus is singular not plural.Sam Black
I’m sure we have all heard about marriages that have fallen apart due to one partner’s excessive or even sporadic porn use and how porn consumption took away from the intimacy and health of the relationship.
Have you ever stopped to ponder why this is? How can viewing porn have a negative impact on a marriage or serious dating relationship?
For starters, pornography is a way of becoming aroused and encouraging fantasy not brought on by your spouse. You are watching other people have sex and the only action you receive from it is by your hand. Porn use is time consuming and often becomes the preference of an individual instead of daily sex with their spouse. Why? Because pornography is always willing. You can choose whatever genre you find appealing or are curious about, devour as many images and looks as you desire, and viewing pornography requires no commitment, no communication, no confrontation, and no having to work out issues in the relationship or maintain intimacy through work and persistent diligence.
Viewing porn is the natural enemy of a healthy and committed relationship because no one in the sphere of real life can compete with airbrushed images, perfect sex scenes, and even exaggerated moaning. Porn, therefore, becomes the antithesis of real intimacy because with all the options available and the porn stars assumed willingness to cater to your every desire, why would you choose seeking to build and maintain an ongoing and healthy relationship with your spouse when that actually requires sacrifice, time, patience, and doing life together - no matter what that might entail?
Porn is an easy escape from reality, an ever present and more than willing companion that is always there for you in time of need (I mean, want!) and becomes the go-to preference for having your quick fix and cheap thrill while your sex life with your husband or wife suffers. Heidi Monuteaux has said, “What aspects [of a relationship] aren’t strained [by porn]? …The aspects that are most strained are intimacy, trust, finances, communication, time, attention, presence, boundaries, and a healthy view of what sex should be like. …It is important to understand that pornography feeds lust, and lust serves self. Lust has a whirlpool effect that is difficult to escape. It pulls and pulls until the viewer gets sucked in and cannot get out.”
Pornography delivers…but it also takes. It steals your innocence, turns you into a monster obsessed with sex, captures your mind and dominates your thoughts, breaks your spouse’s heart, distorts your view of others, hinders your ability to converse with people in person because everyone becomes a sex slave or object to lust after, makes you a selfish lover and unable to give your all in intimacy because regular sex just isn’t arousing the way it once was before viewing porn & you become impatient and irritable with how your spouse delivers, and it steals time away from family relationships, important tasks (including your job) and causes lack of sleep. It becomes an addiction or longing that you look forward to; all the while the relationship with your spouse is deteriorating because now consuming porn has taken the place of quality time with her or him. Porn also takes away from your checkbook and turns its victims into who they never thought they would become when first encountering it.
Pornography is adultery. It enables the viewer to see images and erotic scenes of people they are not married to, creates an insatiable longing for acts your spouse would say no to due to their odd or abusive nature, and trains your mind and body to become aroused by unrealistic, unnatural, and almost impossible to attain beauty which excites you more than how your spouse looks. It makes you dissatisfied by how your wife or husband perform sexually, prevents you from becoming aroused by your partner, and twists your mind to the degree that getting an erection (or the female equivalent) and having an orgasm when engaging in sexual acts with your spouse is difficult without recalling fetishes and scenes you have seen in your pornographic films of choice. Sam Black noted, “Using porn to spice up marital sex is self-defeating. Instead of being more attracted to and engaged with one’s spouse, the porn user will actually become more engrossed with porn.”
Porn softens your heart to considering the idea that violence or graphic acts performed in its films can be emulated and would spice up your sex life. When presenting your requests to your partner, they might be stunned or surprised to learn that you want to perform this or experience it, let alone that you thought of such ideas in the first place.
Pornography has a way of taking over our minds and giving us an unquenchable longing for often degrading acts. Our spouses suffer through our newfound attractions and curiosities because what was once a passionate pursuit between the two of you and a time of pleasure to look forward to has now become a lifeless act where scenes in pornography dictate what a good lover is and its scenes become the standard for what is sexually arousing.
First, porn is selfish; sex is giving. When you watch porn, you get to imagine that you are the star of the show. You get to imagine yourself being with beautiful men/women or being an attractive man/woman. You are the focus of their attention in the fantasy. But having sex in a loving manner is about both receiving and giving pleasure. You don’t want to train your mind to love masturbation more than sex with a real person. You don’t want to train your mind to see the opposite sex as a thing to be used rather than a person to be loved.
Second, porn bonds you to an image; sex bonds you with a person. You are physically and emotionally wired for intimacy. That’s why God made sex so pleasurable, because it bonds a man and woman together. But when we lust after pornography, we are bonding to those images, not to a person.
The people in porn are all playing a part. They are actors and actresses in a movie. Then the films are edited to take out all the boring parts and make the actors look their best. All the hormones that surge through your brain when you watch porn or fantasize about sex are the same hormones you experience when you have sex. Just like sex is designed by God to help you bond with your future husband/wife, when you masturbate to porn you are bonding with the images of people on the screen. When the time comes to get married, what if your husband/wife doesn’t look or act like all the scenes you’ve seen in pornography? No person is as clickable and customizable as a person on a screen. This only takes away your enjoyment of sex in the future.
Third, porn is abusive; marital sex is nourishing. What you don’t see when you watch pornography is what it’s like when the camera stops recording. Often, men and women in porn don’t like the work they do. They have to take drugs and alcohol just to be able to have sex on screen. Many times the women were abused when they were young, and they continue to be used and abused in the industry. By watching pornography, we only give incentive to those who abuse these women to keep doing it. Porn stars are paid to make their lives look fun and glamorous, but many of them are dying on the inside.
Fourth, porn dishonors God; marital sex honors Him. God has told us His will for us is to abstain from sexual immorality (1 Thessalonians 4:3). God will judge the sexually immoral and the adulterers because He wants the marriage bed kept pure (Hebrews 13:4). As a young man/woman of faith, don’t dishonor Him with your body by filling your mind with images of sin.Luke Gilkerson
…as Christians we know what it means to tamper with God’s clear and unambiguous design for sexuality: The cost will be high. It must be high. We all know the cost will be high in fractured families and heartbroken parents, husbands and wives. Already we are seeing far too many of these and each one is its own tragedy.Tim Challies
Is it worth it?
Article originally posted on GodOverPorn.org
Author’s blog: babypinkroses.blogspot.com
If you would like to contact the author, you may write at EmmaJoyBlog@gmail.com
Pastor of The Bridge at Real Life Church: Dave Wilson
Celebrate Recovery Pastor at Real Life Church: Bill Rieser
Resources for women struggling with porn or sex addiction:
dirtygirlsministries.com
shannonethridge.com
beggarsdaughter.com
Resources for men and women wrestling with porn or sex addiction:
covenanteyes.com
xxxchurch.com
fightthenewdrug.org
pornproofkids.org (excellent articles!)
joedallas.com (help with homosexuality)